Irrational Fear
So it is an ordinary day and everything is going well and then suddenly, something triggers this irrational fear, a fear put inside you by a person from the past, a fear that you will probably have to fight until the day you die.
You know you have people who love you. You know they love you just for being you and deep down you know that they will not leave you just because you are not perfect.
Sometimes the rational thoughts come through immediately and you can quickly dismiss the lies you have taught yourself to believe for so long.
Other times, it is like it all happens at 100 mph. You say one thing that comes out wrong and the irrational fear takes over. You quickly try to explain what you mean and regardless of how the other person reacts you instantly feel bad. Not just a little bit bad but like you are the worst person in the world. Your heart races out of control and your teeth clench. Your stomach muscles tighten and you can't breathe. You hold your breath trying not to cry. You try to stay calm. You try to rationalise your thoughts but it is too late. Fear takes over. The overwhelming fear of having someone you love taken away from you. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of letting them down and most of all the fear of them telling you they no longer love you.
One set of words from the past holds so much power.
Slowly you can retrain your thoughts and learn that love isn't a thing. It can not be just given and taken away. It is a feeling and if someone truly loves you, they will not walk away just because you make the odd mistake. They love you for who you are, the good bits and the bad bits.
I hope one day I can completely control this fear!
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