Bella

 

This little addition to my life would prove to be one of the most important decisions I would ever make to help in my continuing recovery.

 

 

Having a dog does not stop you suffering from depression but a dog relies on you every single day to look after it, feed it, walk it etc.  I am not saying it is the answer for everyone but having Bella has totally changed my life for the better.

 

 

 Unconditional love!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SHARE (Self Harm Awareness & Recovery for Everyone)

Helping people professionally

One of the main problems I had when I finally faced upto my self harm was not knowing anyone else who coped in this way.  I felt like I was the only one and felt isolated for being "different"

After months of searching for support, I found a support group that ran at the Zion Centre in Hulme, Manchester.  It was only a small group, but attending it and meeting people who had similar issues to me, changed my life.  I no longer felt like I was strange or different and soon realised that self harm was far more common than I thought, yet very little help was available.

Some time later, I was asked to help with the group.  Not only did this make me proud to be helping others but it helped me in my own recovery.

Two years later, Steve and I took over the group, changing the name to SHARE, Self Harm Awareness & Recovery for Everyone.  Beth then came onboard too and we have successfully been running for another three years to date.

The group offers a safe place for people to meet and support each other, whether they are still currently self harming or are in recovery.

The facilitators of the group will not expect you to stop self harming unless it is your own decision.  It is not our place to tell members what to do but should someone want to stop, we will offer as much guidance as we can.  Every member of the group is treated equally and everyone is classed as equally important.  Noone will ever be judged on any aspect of their lives.

Should a member require help with any other health issue, not covered by our group, we will always do our best to signpost them to other places of support.

My next post will advertise the group in more detail, giving ways to contact us etc.

Friends

Recognising you can't help everyone!

Unfortunately, when you have blamed yourself for something in the past and it has been so deeply installed in you, you tend to take this false idea with you throughout life.

When I started to recover, my first instinct was to want to help others.  I didn't want others to suffer in silence and I soon became brave enough to tell my story in the hope that it might help someone else get help sooner than I had.

This is a major part of learning about friends.

Your caring nature will attract other people with problems/issues and your instinct will be to want to help.  Helping others will also make you feel better and make you feel proud of your own recovery.

But what you will also learn is that you will meet many different people, at many different stages in life and recovery.

Some people will genuinely want to be your friend and help and support will be equal.  Neither will put on the other unless they know the other is able to cope at that time and the friendship will be healthy.

Others will be so affected by their own problems that they won't even consider whether you can cope or not.  Some people will not even be aware that they do this, whilst others will simply be selfish and not care.

You may also have to face the fact that you might not be good for someone too.  Your own past may cause clashes in the friendship that cannot be resolved.

Life is about being happy and it took me an awful lot of lessons to realise that you can not allow other people to make you feel unhappy.  If a friend doesn't consider your feelings and respect that you are also in recovery, then you have to decide whether that friendship is good for you.

I also made the mistake of being afraid of turning my back on people because it somehow reflected on me as a person.  I have finally realised that if someone treats you badly, it is a reflection on them, not you.

I am fortunate to have reached a stage in my life where I have fantastic, supportive, genuine friends who love me for who I am and who I love back just as dearly. 

These friendships are priceless!

It is ok not to be ok!

Something it took me a long time to learn.

Everyone has bad days.  Some people let everyone know it and some keep it to themselves.  Neither way is right or wrong.  When you self harm, you become very good at being an actor/actress and smiling and saying "I'm ok" becomes second nature.  Something I never considered was that the people closest to you often pick up that you are not ok and they want to help.  Someone once told me that I made them feel like a useless friend because I always pushed them away.  I had never considered how my actions made others feel.

One of the things I stopped doing when I gave up self harm was pretending to be ok.  If I am not ok, I will say I'm not.  At first this was hard to do but the more open I became, the easier I found it.  Dropping the pretence was often a release for me too.  I was starting to accept that I didn't have to be superwoman.  I didn't have to be perfect.  Everyone has flaws and "that is ok!"

For the first time in my life, I was starting to feel like a human instead of a robot, devoid of all feeling.  It was partly scary but also felt good!

Irrational Fear ***MAY TRIGGER***

Irrational Fear

So it is an ordinary day and everything is going well and then suddenly, something triggers this irrational fear, a fear put inside you by a person from the past, a fear that you will probably have to fight until the day you die.

You know you have people who love you.  You know they love you just for being you and deep down you know that they will not leave you just because you are not perfect.

Sometimes the rational thoughts come through immediately and you can quickly dismiss the lies you have taught yourself to believe for so long.

Other times, it is like it all happens at 100 mph.  You say one thing that comes out wrong and the irrational fear takes over.  You quickly try to explain what you mean and regardless of how the other person reacts you instantly feel bad.  Not just a little bit bad but like you are the worst person in the world.  Your heart races out of control and your teeth clench.  Your stomach muscles tighten and you can't breathe.  You hold your breath trying not to cry.  You try to stay calm.  You try to rationalise your thoughts but it is too late.  Fear takes over.  The overwhelming fear of having someone you love taken away from you.  The fear of not being good enough.  The fear of letting them down and most of all the fear of them telling you they no longer love you.

One set of words from the past holds so much power.

Slowly you can retrain your thoughts and learn that love isn't a thing.  It can not be just given and taken away.  It is a feeling and if someone truly loves you, they will not walk away just because you make the odd mistake.  They love you for who you are, the good bits and the bad bits.

I hope one day I can completely control this fear!